The Secret Diary of Iain Dummkopf Schmitt aged 8 and 1/4 years old

An Illustration from IDS's diary
An Illustration from IDS’s diary

It has been a bad week for me this week. My pet rat Enoch escaped from his cage. It was horrible, I found his body in the garden ripped in half.

The horrid cat next door had caught him in the garden. I watched the cat play with Enoch for 20 minutes before it got board and ripped him into two soggy pieces joined by bloody intestines. The pieces twitched for quite a while.

Don’t worry I have got my revenge on that fucking Cat. When the neighbours were out I put on three pairs of washing up gloves and sneaked into their garden and captured the cat. I then crucified it by nailing it to their back door with 6 inch nails. I had to break its shoulders so that I could spread its front paws so that it would emulate the crucified Christ at my Church.

I then heated up some nails until they were glowing red hot. I then plunged them into its terrified eyes. The steam and smell will remain with me as a token of my revenge. Its squeals of pain music to my ears.

It squealed on that door for hours until the neighbours came back from their trip to the zoo. Suddenly the cats squeals were joined by the anguished cries of the neighbours and their children at the exquisite sight on their back door. I came running round to see what the commotion was all about.

They had to send for the Vet, he spoiled my fun by injecting the cat with liquid murder. Putting an end to the exquisite sequels of pain!

At confession on Sunday the priest told me not to make such horrid stories up or I would go to hell.

How do you like the Article?

Author: Dr Suusi Watson

Editor of the Bastard

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *