Scotland – Last night Scotland achieved a significant step forward in its quest for political maturity. At 01:32 Mrs Margaret McSwine, of Low town Edinburgh, passed away aged 109. The significance of the event is that she is the last remaining member of the Scottish Conservative party.
In short the conservative party is now extinct in Scotland. The country can now look forward to a long period of political maturity, with the country being run for the benefit of the whole nation.
In recognition of the importance of this event, the Scottish Government is sponsoring a gathering of the clans at her funeral. Her passing will be marked by a pipe band from each of the clans followed by a highland games and a days bank holiday.
It is reported that when news of Mrs McSwine’s death was announced a spontaneous outbreak of public joy, marked by such norms of Scottish life as public projectile vomiting contest and many play fights with drawn claymore swords.