Religious Conservatives demand Tissues Tax

Lord Carey after a vigorous debate about onanism.
Lord Carey after a vigorous debate about onanism.

UK – Religious conservatives still smarting from recent setbacks in the C of E Synod after having lost the war on women bishops. After a secret conference at the home of Bishop George Carey, the former the Archbishop of Canterbury. They have have struck back with a demand that in the interests of moral health of young people the Government must introduce a punitive Tax on paper Tissues.

It is well known that Lord Carey is obsessed with the sexual practices of young men. Particularly homosexual young men. He is always condemning any relaxation of discrimination of homosexuals. In fact he seems so obsessed with the subject that some in the church have started to question his interest and motives.

Lord Carey made the announcement at a press conference at his Newbery residence, after the meeting. He complained that modern youth was degenerate,and weakened by committing the sin of Onan. Worse still that God is offended that every day an ocean of human seed is spilled onto tissues.

“Onanism is a very serious issue. I have heard reports that young people have been onanising themselves to the point of death. Quite apart from the Hypochondria, hysteria, chorea, epilepsy, apoplexy, blindness, deafness and palsy that onanists suffer from. There are some extreme cases onanists have actually died as a result of their perverse excesses.”

He went on, “Whilst I recognise that cutting of the member and amputating the hand of any offenders was going a bit far. So in the interest of promoting the moral backbone of the country youth. A punitive tax on tissues would be a good compromise.”

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Author: Dr Suusi Watson

Editor of the Bastard

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