David Cameron’s British Values

David Cameron in his new Gimp Mask.
David Cameron in his new Gimp Mask.

UK – Last month on the 16th of June 2014 we ran an article “British Values? What are they Dave?” Asking the Prime Minister David Cameron if he knew what British Values were and if possible what he thought British Values were.

Our spies in Downing Street, have finally got back to us. It appears that the editor of the Scum phoned David Cameron to ask the very same question.

Cameron immediately started spluttering and blustering. Soon David Dinsmore, realised that Cameron had no idea what values actually were, let alone what British ones are. He phoned a telephone sex line and left Cameron talking to it.

When Cameron finally, some ten minutes later, realised that the one on the other end of the phone had changed sex. Concluded the conversation, and put the phone down.

He then called a meeting of his focus group and spin doctors to ask them what values actually were and more to the point what British ones are? As it transpires most of the members of the focus group were also ex members of the notorious Bullingdon club. They had no idea either.

Several suggestions were floated, Burning £50-00 notes in the faces of the homeless and trashing restaurants were promptly vetoed by the spin doctors.

The spin doctors on the other hand thought that values referred to property values and or the price of stocks and shares. Some digger in the corner who was having sex with himself suggested that British Values were nothing because the government had sold everything that was not actually nailed down.

They agreed to meet in two weeks and give David Cameron his reply.

Two weeks later they duly returned and said that they had actually found out what Values were, and even what British Values were. But as it turns out that only British values were:

  • Murder,
  • Genocide,
  • Rape,
  • Lying,
  • Thieving,
  • and Fraud.

and that Conservative voters like the idea of values, they did not want to know what they really were. They had a this vague idea that value related to their property value.

The “British Values” sub Committee recommended that as the values that they had found had rather negative connotations. It would be best for all concerned, and the Conservative party in particular, if David Cameron did not mention the concept again.

They also recommended that he was fitted with a discrete gimp mask to prevent him putting his foot in it again…

[url=http://www.the-bastard.com/index.php?section=42&page=3111]British Values? What are they Dave?[/url]

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Author: Dr Suusi Watson

Editor of the Bastard

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