Tory leak: Police to be privatised in 2018!

Plebgate MP Andrew Mitchell to steer plans to privatise the Police through Parliament.
Plebgate MP Andrew Mitchell to steer plans to privatise the Police through Parliament.

UK – Hyped up on what they see as the success of the introduction of fees for employment tribunals and and hell bent on revenge for the plebgate affair.

Chris Greying and other senior Conservatives are now planning to privatise the the Police service.

Andrew Mitchell The former Conservative chief whip and MP who was involved in the plebgate affair. Has been tasked by David Cameron and Theresa May to develop and pilot plans for privatisation of all the countries police forces, under the slogan.

“Fed up with the Keystone cops? Call the Sercocop!”

David Cameron told the Bastard that he felt that Andrew Mitchell was the perfect person to pilot this legislation through parliament as he is a victim of bad policing. He needs a pat on the back for the way that he conducted himself during the plebgate affair.

We also understand that Government ministers are fed up with having to justify claims that they are massaging the crime figures. So that once the police forces are privatised a charge of £150-00 will be introduced to report an official crime. A crime will only count for official statistical purposes if the fee has been paid in full.

Another source who did not wish to be identified, he was terrified of spending even one second in the company of that rabid dog Michael Gove. Told us that. Conservative MPs were horrified that one of their number, the Bury St Edmunds MP David Ruffley, had fallen foul of the Police and had been forced to accept a caution for domestic violence.

This, he said, is exactly the sort of police abuse of power that privatisation is designed to avoid. We cannot have the crime statistics jammed full of spurious reports of familial tiffs and pretty frauds.

“For gods sake why are the Police wasting their time on that sort of thing? What is the world coming to, If you can’t have a skin full and slap the wife around when you get home.”

“They say that they have beaten up for the sympathy but they are getting off on it.”

The police, he went on, should be concentrating on only the serious cases, like the disabled, benefit claimants and the mentally ill. We have to make the streets safe for decent people, who are offended by the sight of such filth.

“Heaven forbid that we might actually have to meet on of those sorts in the street. You never know what diseases that you might catch from those animals. Filth!”

“They are all covered in lice! You know.”

The Bastard then phoned to ask Ed Miliband what he thought of the Conservatives plans for the police. He thanked us for informing him about this fantastic new Conservative Labour policy. He then said that he had to dash and get it into the Labour party’s 2015 election manifesto. He then hung up.

We thought about Phoneing Nick Clegg for his view of the Conservatives plans, but no doubt he will support its passage through parliament in exchange for another bunch of false promises. So we couldn’t be arsed.

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Author: Dr Suusi Watson

Editor of the Bastard

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