Cabinet in Cruel Gambling Scam

Giddion Osborne's cat Freya was lucky to survive the Whitehall Gold Cup this year
Gideon Osborne’s cat Freya was lucky to survive the Whitehall Gold Cup this year

UK – Fridays news that the chancellor of the exchequers cat had been clipped by a car in Whitehall and rushed to the vets for treatment. Belies the true nature of the accident. Although event would more properly describe what happened.

Let no one say that when it comes to the Conservatives, that they lack imagination. When it comes to gambling and cruelty they are somewhat inventive. When it comes to combining the two they are positively inspired. Ok utterly depraved is more the correct term.

Our spy in Downing street tells up that what actually went down was the latest thing in gambling on the outcome blood sports.

The ‘sport’ in question being the so called Whitehall Gold Cup which is held annually. The Event inaugurated in August 2010 by the Prime Sinister David Cameron. The sport being a domestic cat is made to dash across Whitehall at the height of the rush hour. The members of the Cabinet then bet on whose official car runs it over.

The betting takes the form buying a Name from the list of official drivers. The stake is pooled and handed to the winner. If the cat makes it to the other side unharmed the stake money is pocketed by the Prime Sinister.

This year the cat in question was chancellor Gideon Osborne’s pet tabby Freya. Who although she was clipped by a car she did survive the race. It is by no means clear whose official car did the deed, so the pool was claimed by the drooling Prime Sinister.

Frey is expected to make a full recovery and be returned to the Osbornes by Monday.

There have been several attempts to replace the cat with a wheel chair user by Iain Dummkopf Schmidt and Fester McVile to spice up the proceedings. The idea was reluctantly abandoned because it was felt that although the Blue rinse brigade would love it, the negative publicity would fatally damage the Conservatives electoral chances at the 2015 general election.

Another problem, as they saw it, was that the official drivers might be reluctant to run over people, no matter how invalid they may be. Because:

  1. it would take too long to wipe the sport off the cars with an oily rag and
  2. that it might damage the car and finally
  3. that there would have to be an inquest.

Once again it is a case of you could not make it up. The Conservatives never fail to disappoint. Just when you think that they could not get any lower they plunge to even greater depths.

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Author: Dr Suusi Watson

Editor of the Bastard

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