Conservative MPs Report Iain Dummkopf Schmitt to the Standards Committee!

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Iain Dummkopf Schmitt got rather excited

UK – It has come to the notice of the Bastard that some conservative MPs were upset at the behaviour of the Iain Dummkopf Schmitt during the chancellor’s Budget speech on July, 7, 2015.

It has been widely reported in the mainstream media that Iain Dummkopf Schmitt got rather excited and fist pumped during the budget measures on social security.

Presenter Iain Dale on LBC Radio even asked Iain Dummkopf Schmitt if he had taken Viagra before the chancellor’s speech! The Dummkopf denied that he had ever needed Viagra

Well it appears that he was so excited that, he shot himself in the nose. Fortunately for us the BBC news spared us the sight of the tent that he was making in his trousers, and the wet patch. We at the Bastard are sure that the BBC Trust, OFCOM and the Metropolitan Police[1] would have had something to say about it if they had.

Our sources inside parliament who do not wish to be named for fear of reprisals, told us that the conservative MPs had a number concerns about the behaviour of Iain Dummkopf Schmitt, and the effect it would have on future elections.

  • that it is not appropriate to masturbate so openly during the Chancellor’s budget speech. It is not that MPs are against masturbation per se. Most do during the more tedious sessions, discretely covering their member modesty with their iPads.
  • that [s]so soon after the parliamentary expenses scandal, and[/s] at times of austerity, it is inappropriate for members of the cabinet to claim for soiled underpants, dry cleaning and wet wipes.
  • A couple of backbench conservatives even concerned that Iain Dummkopf Schmitt’s behaviour made the Conservatives look like a bunch of public school boys masturbating over other people’s misery.In the words of one, “We are what we are. But what we should not be doing is telling everybody that that is what we are.”

As it turn out there have been two official complaints and a number of unofficial ones to Kevin Barron Labour MP for Rother Valley and chairman of the Parliamentary, lack of standards committee.

We await the outcome of the standards committee’s deliberations with interest.

Notes:
1. We are unsure whether it is actually constitutes an offence to masturbate inside the houses of parliament if you are a working member of either house. Or if the offence is actually to show such events on television.

We suspect the latter.

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Author: Dr Suusi Watson

Editor of the Bastard

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