Government demands that the deceased return all NHS Property!

Your relative waiting for the government to harvest their body for NHS property
Your relative waiting for the government to harvest their body for NHS property

UK – In a bizarre move inspired by Iain Dummkopf Schmitt’s move yesterday to seizure of the funeral suits of the recently departed. Jeremy Hunt the health secretary and the Chancellor of the exchequer Gideon Osbourne has ordered that all NHS property is to be returned to the NHS department of finance before a death certificate can be issued.

This means that all deceased people will have to have a comprehensive autopsy to remove things like pacemakers, artificial hip joints and any other medical implants from their bodies. Right down to the plates and screws used to reconstruct bones in the event to complex fractures, and the gold and precious metals used in dentistry.

Although the decision has been taken to implement the measure, the government feels that it will have to wait for a suitable ‘Jo Moore’ moment to make controversial announcement.

Jo Moore was the controversial spin doctor for Stephen Byers, when he was the Secretary of State for Transport, Local Government and the Regions. She famously sent a memo out suggesting that 9/11/2001 was the ideal time to bury bad news while the world’s attention was looking elsewhere.

Originally Gideon Osborne was opposed to the idea because he could see this measure not going down well with the only sections of society that still votes for the Conservative party. Thus harming his chances of succeeding David Cameron and becoming the next Conservative Prime Minister.

History has a bad habit of repeating itself!
Gold recovered from the inmates of Buchenwald concentration camp by the Nazis.

This was until Jeremy Hunt pointed out that, “There is gold in them there mouths.”

Michael Gove, the Lord Chancellor, enthusiastically pointed out that as the deceased do not have property rights, and that any gold in the mouths of the deceased could be legally recovered by the government without having to compensate or even having to consult the surviving relatives.

At the mention of gold all further cabinet opposition evaporated and the measure was approved. No doubt a major news event will be staged in order for the government in the form of Jeremy Hunt to make the announcement.

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Author: Dr Suusi Watson

Editor of the Bastard

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