Frodo Baggins said to be ‘outraged’ at FOTR portrayal

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5US –  Frodo Baggins, the hobbit who saved Middle Earth from a tide of darkness and evil, is said to be outraged by the portrayal of himself and his friends Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took. “The film portrays me as being a right pussy” said the outraged halfling, “and Messrs. Brandybuck and Took as a pair of crooks. As if to balance this out, it implies that Arwen, who in real life did sod all, is some kind of heroin!”

Despite these criticisms, the film has gone on to be a major success. Smeagol Richardson, the script writer of the blockbuster, was said to be delighted at the success of the film. He had consulted as many of the original cast as he was able to, and the majority, including Peregrin Took, had been quite happy with the way that they were portrayed. The nine Nazgul had even agreed to appear in the movie, and can be seen in cameo roles in Bree and Minas Tirith.

Bush: it’s okay to torture A-Rabs

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USA –
 Leader of the free world and second most powerful man in the universe* has said to the rest of the world that the appalling conditions that the suspected Al-Qaeda dudes are being kept in is okay because they are only arabic scum who would slit ur throat just as soon as look at you. He went on to say that old traditions like innocent until proven guilty, humane punishment, non-torture of PoWs were not required with A-Rabs. Indeed, it turns out that although these chaps who are (apparently) being treated like shit in a US base in Cuba (Cuba? How the fuck did they get a base there? I thought the US hated the Cuban Commie bastards! If anyone can shed any light on this story please email commies@theblighter.co.uk and tell us!) and were captured during the US ‘War or Bad People’ are not actually PoWs at all! Either Bush is a complete moron, or everyone else is for missing that one!

Britain’s foreign secretary was quoted as saying “woof-woof” as he curled up on the President’s lap.
* After Jesus, of course

Gods demonstrate their anger in the Congo

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Congo –  The ancient African Gods responsible for the administration of the Congo Republic demonstrated their anger at the way things are going there by erupting and wiping out some city there. It was by all accounts quite a big important city, but was in Africa so us westerners won’t have heard of it.

A spokes deity said that it was just a warning – if things didn’t improve pretty darn soon, the capital city would be next.

IBS rips off illegal Blair Babe trick

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Arch prince of hell and leader of the ‘Conservative Party’, Ian Bunkum Smith has announced that ‘only women can save the Conservative Party’. By this piece of nonsense, intended as a means of attracting voters without actually having to so anything, he means of course that women should be encouraged to stand for safe Tory seats. IBS was keen to explain that he did not mean that women are to stupid or pathetic to take and hold unsafe Tory seats.
A leading tory backbencher who prefers not to be named* said that the thought of their being more nubile young women at the tory party conference made him feel very happy. IBS himself refuted accusations that the ‘Widdecombe babes’ were not going to be mere automatons modelled after the Labour Party’s infamous babe-bevy, but would be more like the successful independent women of today, ie lapdancers.