The Bastard Returns!

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Our New Home.

Ladies, gentlemen, and regular readers: it is with great pleasure that Somniferum Publishing announce the return of The Bastard!

The Bastard disappeared for several years after the offices were invaded by the US Army. We have escaped from camp X-Ray, and are now publishing from a remote location in the mountainous region of Pakistan. Continue reading “The Bastard Returns!”

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Queen Mother dies agonising DEATH

Royal relics
Royal relics

UK – Profits of the British Press are due to suffer this year following the slow and agonising death of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother.

She died on the 19th of March after she choked on a fish bone, a slow and agonising death. Nobody actually noticed until Continue reading “Queen Mother dies agonising DEATH”

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AOL suckers to sue over stuff

Once installed you can never rid your system of it
AOHell: Once installed you can never rid your system of it

Some folks who kinda got what they deserved after signing up to the great Internet whore AOL are suing the bastards.

AOL take down the credit card details of their users, then bombard them with these really irritating adverts for stuff, upon which the users click Yes or No. Continue reading “AOL suckers to sue over stuff”

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Book claims that dead wealthy hedonist used Coke

19UK – The world was astounded to hear that the former founder of the NHS Princess “100 a day” Margaret liked the odd sprinkle of Coke and a bit of puff.

While the Queen strongly denies that her sister ever took illegal drugs, honestly, who cares what the royals do?

They can afford the best, so why not just let them?

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Hindus go mad in India, but it doesn’t matter if they only attack Muslims, Bush says

Flames engulf shops set alight by rioters in Ahmedabad
Flames engulf shops set alight by rioters in Ahmedabad

India – Rioting in Gujarat in India has killed almost 485 people so far – an outrage by anyone’s standards.

The western world will not weep – they are Muslims who live in India.

So this will only become a Continue reading “Hindus go mad in India, but it doesn’t matter if they only attack Muslims, Bush says”

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UK Govt uses foxes to bury Byers Scandal

A fox hunt
A fox hunt

UK – The British Govt has announced that there will be another free vote on the banning on hunting with dogs shortly.

An unnamed contact within the cabinet has said that this is NOT an attempt to cover up the spate of scandals associated with New  Continue reading “UK Govt uses foxes to bury Byers Scandal”

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Huge winds buffet the UK


windy-hair[1]UK –
Huge winds are said to have buffeted the UK during the first week of February.

The population are thought to be bearing up well, on the whole.

However the effect on people’s hair has been said to be catastrophic.

There have even been reports of fighting in the streets for position in the queue outside hairdressers premises in the stockbroker belt. The nation’s hairdressers are looking forward to a windfall.

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Stress at work rises hugely

Stressed out
Stressed out

UK – The level of stress under has undergone a huge 12-fold rise, according to figures released by the TUC.

The TUC have suggested that life is not more stressful under the New Labour, but that good honest working folk feel safer ‘fessing up to stress under the Continue reading “Stress at work rises hugely”

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Frodo Baggins said to be ‘outraged’ at FOTR portrayal

5US –  Frodo Baggins, the hobbit who saved Middle Earth from a tide of darkness and evil, is said to be outraged by the portrayal of himself and his friends Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took. “The film portrays me as being a right pussy” said the outraged halfling, “and Messrs. Brandybuck and Took as a pair of crooks. As if to balance this out, it implies that Arwen, who in real life did sod all, is some kind of heroin!”

Despite these criticisms, the film has gone on to be a major success. Smeagol Richardson, the script writer of the blockbuster, was said to be delighted at the success of the film. He had consulted as many of the original cast as he was able to, and the majority, including Peregrin Took, had been quite happy with the way that they were portrayed. The nine Nazgul had even agreed to appear in the movie, and can be seen in cameo roles in Bree and Minas Tirith.

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Charles ‘Chuck’ Kennedy to be wed

UK – 4The Leader of the Liberal Democrats, Mr Charles Kennedy, has announced that he has managed to persuade someone to marry him.

His bird, who no-one can remember the name of, is said to be ‘not interested in politics’.

The two met at a joint-smoking session at some hippy festival last year. His fiancee is said to find his ex-military career extremely alluring

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